The LORDS OF SALEM Won’t Do Much Lording

Posted: May 9, 2013 in Movies, Reviews
Tags: Horror, review, Rob Zombie, Salem, Sheri Moon, Witchcraft

Gore:

Soul:

Cult Factor: Watch with moderation.

Pre-order it from Amazon.com: The Lords of Salem

Lords of Salem tells the tale of a radio show host who receives a strange record by The Lords. As it turns out the record is some sort of incantation meant to control women and especially our radio host who is the last descendant of the cursed witch hunter that burned the Lords of Salem. Oh and she’ll also bear the child of Satan or something.
The premise, albeit far from original, isn’t entirely bad and for a while the movie plays well. But things start to fall apart pretty fast. Let’s break them down okay?

Golden Retrievers. As a Golden owner I can effectively say that a movie featuring a Golden can never be a good horror movie unless the Golden is harmed in any way. They’re just too damn cute. Why didn’t you get a mutt or something? A cat, maybe, but never a Golden.
Ghosts standing in blind spots. I’m starting to grow really tired of ghosts standing in corners watching their victims like some sort of bad decor. Is evil so damn weak that it has to hide in corners not moving like a toddler playing hide and seek?
Stereotypical witches. Horror has portrayed witches in all ways you can think of, but the ugly, old, naked, dirty, hunched and cackling hag is definitely the most tired of witch stereotypes. This is basically an r-rated version of the witch in Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.
Stupid experts. Okay, so let me get this straight. According to the expert on Salem witch hunts in the movie 25 women were killed, but he can’t remember that SIX of those 25 were called The Lords of Salem, despite having written a book on the subject…
Acid trips. Using acid trips to portray a descent into hell or some other plane of existence or a dream of some kind is a regular tool used by filmmakers but it needs to be handled with care. It’s a tricky gimmick that if not used correctly can act like the real drug and leave you smack in the middle of the hangover. Not good.

Is this baby from hell supposed to be scary in anyway?

If you overlook all of these, which I couldn’t, there’s a chance you may enjoy the movie but even then the movie underneath isn’t really worthwhile, just a basic evil will win story. Two misfires in five movies Rob, considering it was the last two I’d be worried… Find a way to bring back the Devil’s Rejects goodness in you.